1. If it wasn’t for the ladder…
If it wasn’t for the ladder I discovered in your backyard, I wouldn’t have managed to enter your home. You made my job even easier by not wiring upper story openings to the home security system. Don’t want me to break in again? Well, in that case, you have to lock the ladder in the garage or basement. You should also wire upper-floor windows into the alarm system.
2. I really loved your trash
I have no words to express how much joy I had while driving around your neighborhood after a big holiday. You had dumped empty gadget cartons on the curb, so I had no difficulty figuring out what new toys you had brought into your home. If you don’t want me to visit your home again, you should tear down the cartons and hide them in the trash bins.
3. Thanks for that neat hiding place
Thank you for not trimming the trees and plants around your house. You have provided me ample room to hide myself while I figure out how I can break into your house. on’t want me to visit again? Well, in that case, you need to trim back tree branches and bushes around the doors and windows. You could also consider installing motion sensor lighting.
4. Thanks for not guarding your entries
My joy knew no bounds when I found out that your back door wasn’t sturdy enough. I had absolutely no trouble kicking that plain wood-panel in. You made my job even easier by not locking the windows. It is high time you learned a thing or two from your smart neighbor and installed sturdy steel-wrapped doors on all entries.
5. The mirror shows everything
I really ought to thank you for positioning a mirror in your entry hall. I could easily see from the window if your alarm system was armed. As yours wasn’t, I didn’t have to think twice before breaking in. So, if you really want to keep visitors like me at bay, you need to reposition the mirror, so that it isn’t visible to smart burglars peering through the window.
6. The grass that doesn’t lie
Now you can’t quite blame the grass. It grows amazingly fast, but you could have employed someone to mow it regularly. I was walking around your neighborhood one day, and noticed that you also had newspapers piling up in front of the gate. Now for someone as smart as me these cues are more than enough to figure out that you have been away for a while.
7. I really got carried away
I am writing to express my gratitude for keeping all your valuables and cash in a safe that is easy to carry around. I had no difficulty carrying it right out of your back door. I really like it when people don’t invest in wall safes or rent a locker at the bank.
8. Dear BFF
Thank you for being my best friend’s friend on a social network and posting your vacation snapshots. He had no trouble sensing that you guys were away and immediately alerted me. And me? Well, I really enjoyed my visit to your house. I was not at all worried about getting caught. I have got one piece of advice, though. Posting your vacation photos on social media is fine, but wait until you return.
9. Geo-tagging is cool, or is it?
Geo-tracking apps are cool. They let you alert the world where you are at the moment, unfortunately, you also alert me about your absence from home. So, if you really don’t want me to visit your home again, you need to think twice before geo-tagging.
10. Thank you for that appointment
Now I really ought to thank you for inviting me to your home to show the flat screen TV you are trying to sell. I am sorry I couldn’t help taking it and your wallet when you disappeared for a few minutes. My advice? Selling pricey items to strangers isn’t quite advisable, but if you really want to do it you had better arrange to meet them outside your police station.
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